I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV