Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
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The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …