American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
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I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Food gives you energy to nap more.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!