“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.