I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
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Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.