Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
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COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Current mood: Potato
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.