4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?