Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
very niche meme I made
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.