Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
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Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Got ya covered
My circle of trust is a meatball
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.