Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
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*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.