of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Ah..makes sense now
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.