“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am