Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
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In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
She was REALLY feeling it.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order