BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
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Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Salad is the decaf of food.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.