Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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Celery is depressing green water wafers.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.