Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form