I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
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I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Potatoes were such a good idea
😂😂
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.