Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50