I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
You Might Also Like
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.