Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning