I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
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the pigeons are already plenty salty
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Breaking news:
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I’m not proud
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”