Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
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Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.