I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
The big book of baby names but for safe words
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.