[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
The Compass
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
then why did i get this email
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.