They also CAN sing✌️
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Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
set yourself free xox
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat