HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
so weird how every mom was born today
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.