May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
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My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I wanna be friends with this person
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.