While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
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Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
#parenting
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.