Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
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[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Pikachu found the lost joint
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.