I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
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Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
starting a garage orchestra
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.