Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
You Might Also Like
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Admin smashed it 😂
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar