My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.