Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
You Might Also Like
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
me
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Lunatics are gonna loon.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test