“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
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Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]