Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
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The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Only Americans understand
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.