“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
how high up are we talkin’?
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.