I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
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It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.