what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
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My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.