just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…