Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
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me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”