Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
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5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me sliding into hell like
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?