Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
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*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.