Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
You Might Also Like
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.