you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]