Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
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Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Phonetics
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.