My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Only a mother’s love …
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.