I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
You Might Also Like
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
looks legit
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Hello Twits.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!