wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.