Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
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These aliens are taking forever.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*