Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Saw online –
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind